I’ve been on this journey for over a year now. I’ve worked on many different stories. I can see my skills, as a writer, developing, so much so that I am now planning a novel, but even with that, I’m still plagued by doubt.
It feels like a lifetime away, but I once had self-confidence. But then I was smashed to pieces by a huge wrecking ball set on leaving nothing behind. Ever since that dark time I’ve been slowly trying to rebuild my self-confidence, it’s been a long and slow process, but my writing has played a huge part in my development. Even so, I still feel that I’m not good enough.
However, I can’t stop writing. Writing has become a compulsion. I’m constantly getting story ideas whizzing around my head. The strangest thing happened the other day. While feeling unwell, I suddenly thought of the first line for a story, and then before I knew it, the story was writing itself, in my mind. My main character came out of nowhere, no planning, no previous thought, and then in one sitting I wrote the story. Even though other writers can write like that, I can’t, or so I thought. For me, I need to develop the idea, plan and then write. But that day I didn’t need to, and I have to say it’s one of my best stories. There’s a line that makes me laugh every time. It’s actually not funny, quite shocking, but I have a strange sense of humour, and the opening hook is all right. Will it be published? I hope so because, for once, I feel that my work may be good enough.
I’ve put a lot into this writing journey; I’ve recently bought myself an electronic typewriter. It’s great there’s something about a typewriter that makes me feel more like a writer, silly I know, but it does. Getting a typewriter wasn’t an easy task – I’m indecisive, and I like a bargain. I can’t write by hand for too long, and I can’t stay on the computer too late, so a typewriter was what I needed. This may sound silly, but it’s weird that I never saw typewriters to buy before, but as soon as I wanted one there they were. I’m thinking fate, baby. One thing I know is that this typewriter represents my commitment and belief in this novel.
“I want to be an author.” These are the words that I’m afraid to say. It may be due to self-doubt or the fear that this dream will also not come true. I tell myself I don’t know what I’m doing, and that I don’t know where I’m heading, but I do. I’m writing to be published. I’m writing to have my stories read and enjoyed, even the scary ones. I’m heading towards a novel. A novel I believe that if done right it will be good, so I suppose when the doubt grows I should remind myself of my real goal – the goal I’m pretending not to have.
It’s no surprise that my desire to write has returned because once all the blocks were removed only my true passion remained. This time I have decided to try the unrealistic approach. Maybe this time I’ll do better. This is a cliché, but it’s true. You should always follow your dreams. Life is too short not to.
Keep writing, folks!